Self-Care to Self-Kindness: Shifting from a “Thing To Do” into a “Way To Be”.

How do we promote self-care without it feeling like one more thing to do? We frequently face this dilemma in TeachWell. For those with diminished energy, little time, and the demands of others always on their mind, self-care feels like more effort than reward. Going to the gym, cooking, or even calling a friend can feel like another box to check on the to-do list. Add to that the sense of scarcity, failure, or self-blame when we cannot access self-care. Whew, it’s no wonder educators often scoff at the idea! 

Yet, we know that we feel better when we take time for our physical or social well-being. That cycle of setting the goal for self-care, not finding time or resources to implement it, and then feeling bad about it needs a different perspective. How do we diffuse the pressure and ensuing frustrations, shame, or guilt from the whole concept of self-care in a way that allows educators to care for themselves effectively without feeling like one more thing to do? 

Let’s simplify the whole thing and untangle self-care, something to do, from self-kindness, a way to be. While self-care is often seen as an act that one may or may not have the bandwidth or capacity to incorporate into daily demand, self-kindness is a mindset where every individual has agency and choice. Doing the internal work is not dependent on external resources of time or money to access these practices. This shift to self-kindness may require unpacking internal beliefs or interrupting external messages, but it is accessible. For many, it will be a shift that takes practice. And with practice, we move from momentary acts of care to sustainable ways of being with ourselves.

The Practice

To begin this practice, open your heart to the idea of self-kindness. To change patterns of how you think about yourself, consider the value of self-kindness. How would a practice of self-kindness impact your teaching? What could your students learn by observing your practice of self-kindness? Be fair to yourself and start with small, easy practices that cultivate a sense of self-kindness.

Be Kind to Yourself

What would a true friend do to show they cared? Would they buy you a coffee or a boba? Invite you for a walk? Make some cookies and share them with you? Take a minute just to check in and see how you’re doing? Can you offer any of these practices to yourself? How about making yourself cookies or treating yourself to a yummy drink on the way home? Can you set time aside to watch your favorite show? What if going for a walk is not something you have to do, but something you get to do . . . for yourself!?

Celebrate Your Wins

In a job where the needs will always be greater than the resources available, and where the system is less than perfect, be intentional and recognize the effort and care you put into each day. Take time daily to celebrate your accomplishments. Keep it simple, celebrate the small things. Recognize the moments of connection with a student. Let yourself be proud of a lesson. At the end of a hard day, give yourself credit for showing up. Allow yourself to laugh at the absurd and intentionally turn toward the moments of joy, levity, and success. Grab a journal to write it down. Put a Post-it note on your computer or desk. Tell a friend or family member about it.

Become Aware of Patterns of Thinking

Allow yourself to notice messages that mitigate self-kindness. It is a normal pattern in the human brain to fall into what is called the “negativity bias,” where one sees deficits and problems more than opportunities and strengths and falls into the trance of unworthiness. The negativity bias is not inevitable and with practices in mindfulness, you can rewire the brain to notice patterns of negative thought and reroute them to more positive, supportive, and kind thought patterns about yourself (and others). 

Start by bringing awareness to the negative thoughts about your work or your habits with others. Notice how negative thoughts feel in your body, in your heart. Simply ask yourself if these thoughts evoke pleasant or unpleasant feelings. Do they make you want to do better or do they feel like an additional burden to carry? Then ask yourself, how would you be if you didn’t have this message? What would it be like if you believed that NOTHING was wrong with you?

Practice Self-Compassion

The practice of self-compassion starts with noticing the patterns of how one relates to their struggles and self-talk. The second step in self-compassion is to understand that you are not alone in these struggles or feelings of self-judgment or frustration. You can choose to change these thoughts to ones of care and kindness toward yourself. When you notice a pattern of hurtful messages to yourself, pause, take a breath and imagine . . . What would a good friend say to you right now? What message of care or kindness can you send to yourself? Try these: I know I care. I know I try and work hard. It’s ok to feel frustration, sadness, or exhaustion. This is hard work and I am doing my best. 

Don’t Give Up

All practices ebb and flow. If you fall back into old habits or realize you are forgetting self-kindness in your day, simply begin again. This is not something you will be evaluated against. No one is keeping score on you. This can be as simple as keeping the concept in mind (close to your heart) and when you are struggling, remember the practices, try one on again. 

Living in a post-pandemic time, the messages of self-care have become familiar discourse. To truly access sustainable accessible practices, we need to limit the external commercial concepts of self-care and take the time to do the internal work of self-kindness. It may be more challenging, but its value is immeasurable. 

Take care, Educators, and Be Well!